Chipotle Do Nots - Barbacoa Tacos To-Go

Couldn't get a picture of Barbacoa Tacos because no one actually fucking orders them.

So let me start by saying this, I am 100% #TeamBurrito till the end. It's so versatile and while the ingredients may be the same, no two bites are ever the same, always adds a small element of surprise with each bite. With that said, if you're getting tacos at Chipotle, you're doing everything wrong and need to re-evaluate your life choices. You're asking to pay full price and get snubbed on portions. That's some AA league shit, almost as criminal as ordering a salad at a burrito place. But yesterday, I learned a valuable lesson about Chipotle.

A friend and I had used the online ordering app to pick up our food and avoid the usual lunch rush that you will see at any Chipotle anywhere between about 12:00-1:30. So I went with the usual:

- Burrito, EXTRA white rice, black beans, fajitas, chicken, mild salsa, red hot sauce, sour cream, EXTRA cheese and guacamole.

Whenever using the mobile app, emphasize EXTRA in all caps so that they know you mean business. After I placed my order, she puts hers in. Before I sent it off I reviewed what she got because you can completely judge a person based on their Chipotle order:

- Three soft tacos: Horrible decision. See first paragraph above. Not to mention you skip out on cilantro rice. At the same time, if she had put rice into her tacos, I would've told her to GTFOH.
- Pinto beans: This was also horrible for two reasons. One, black beans trumps pinto beans 15 times out of 10, and its not even close. Two, why saturate your small tortillas with bean liquid? This trend will unfortunately continue...
- Barbacoa: I'm not against barbacoa necessarily, i'm just saying i'll probably never order it. I think chicken is the star of the protein picks Chipotle offers, but that is neither here nor there. The mistake is putting that in soft tacos. It mimics the poor decision to put beans in there. Just adding meat juice is going to destroy the small wimpy tacos that you have already mistakenly chose to order.
- Corn: I'm usually a pro corn guy, but for some reason Chipotle's corn salsa mix is too sweet for me, and not a key to success when constructing your meal. Things just keep getting worse and worse.
- Cheese: Easily the best decision she made. But she's dug a hole too deep to recover from at this point.
- Lettuce: Your tacos are already ruined, why not throw some unnecessary greens on top. Kind of like the cherry to a sundae, except this one is awful.

So i'm appalled at this order, but clearly am not going to say anything at the moment. Had a feeling karma was going to take care of itself. So we go and pick up the order, and then return back to her place to eat and watch soccer. As soon as she opened her tin-foil wrapped tacos, she said "Oh my god..." After peeking over, I confirmed what I knew was going to happen. All that extra liquid destroyed her foundation. The tacos had formed a wet parcel which wouldn't suffice for the contents, and as she attempted to pick up the first one, everything fell through. A culinary sinkhole. And then she just gave up. Poured the contents into a bowl that wasn't covered in a tin foil topper. And I just sat there, with a grin, eating a meal that wasn't completely fucked up. Everyone should learn from my friends misfortunes. I mean, I thought girls had this chipotle thing down?